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Never Rely on a Man’s Money
Divorce was a shock that led me to a new vow: financial independence.
Dec 8, 2023, The New York Times
The moment I knew I would never again have a joint bank account, I was driving home in a hard rain with a small butterscotch lollipop in my mouth.
I would take the sweetness where I could find it. Nearly an hour before, I had logged in to the savings account I shared with my husband to discover that half of the savings had been withdrawn in one chunk, right after the last big argument my husband and I had.
I called him, and I’ll never forget what he said: His lawyer had recommended it.
He was a lawyer — and now he had a lawyer? This was also a shock. I hung up, wiped the mess of mascara from under my eyes, and drove through the rain to our local bank to withdraw the rest, my two children oblivious in the back seat.
When I left, clutching courtesy lollipops for us three, I knew my marriage was over. I knew I would need to use my half of the savings to hire a lawyer. And I vowed — a loaded verb choice, I know, given the context — never to be financially dependent on a man again.
In my marriage, I had been happy to say, “I’m not great with this stuff,” as I handed the financial responsibilities to my husband. I had outsourced my financial security to him, someone I trusted — and in doing that, I had disadvantaged myself.
Divorce was always going to be heartbreaking, but it didn’t have to be panic-inducing — and it was. What kept me awake, and what woke me in the middle of the night — sweating, heart racing — was fear. I was a poet and he was a litigator. It seemed impossible that I would be able to stay in the house. Even if by some miracle I did, how would I pay the mortgage, the utilities and the taxes each month? (And how much were our taxes, anyway? I had no idea.) I wasn’t sure how I would even afford the divorce itself. I knew all about billable hours from my husband, but this time I was the one being billed.
From that day forward, I was determined to become the adult I wished I had been in my marriage, to be the C.F.O. of my own life.
