TED-Ed｜如何成为更好的倾听者

How to become better listeners
TED-Ed • November 2022

It's easy to tell when someone's not paying attention, but it can be surprisingly tricky to know what truly excellent listening looks like. Behavioral scientists have found that good listening is one of the most important things we can do to improve our relationships, develop our worldview, and potentially even change people's minds. So, what can we do to become better listeners?
要分辨一个人是否在用心倾听很容易，但要知道什么才是真正出色的倾听，却出奇地困难。行为科学家发现，良好的倾听是我们可以做的最重要的事情之一，它可以改善我们的人际关系，发展我们的世界观，甚至可能改变人们的想法。那么，我们怎样才能成为更好的倾听者呢？

At its core, listening in a one-on-one conversation is about taking an interest in another person and making them feel understood. There's no universally agreed upon definition of high-quality listening, but some recurring features include attentiveness, conveying understanding, and showing a positive intention towards the speaker. This doesn't mean you can simply go through the motions— researchers have found that merely smiling and nodding at set intervals doesn't quite work. However, there is something slightly performative about listening in that it's important to show you're doing it. So, in addition to actively attending to a speaker's words, good listeners also use questions and body language that indicate their understanding and their desire to understand.
在一对一的谈话中，倾听的核心是对另一个人产生兴趣，让他们感到被理解。对于高质量的听力，没有一个统一的定义，但是一些反复出现的特征包括专注，传达理解，以及对讲话者表现出积极的意图。这并不意味着你可以简单地做做样子——研究人员发现，仅仅在固定的时间间隔内微笑和点头是不太管用的。不过，倾听也有一些表演性的东西，重要的是要表现出你在倾听。因此，除了积极倾听讲话者的话语，良好的倾听者还会用提问和肢体语言来表达他们的理解和希望理解的愿望。

This might feel awkward at first, and what's most effective might depend on your relationship with the speaker. But with time and practice you can internalize these basic behaviors. So let's say a good friend wants to tell you about an issue they're having with their partner. Before even starting your conversation, remove any distractions in the environment. Turn off the TV, take off your headphones and put your phone away— far away. One study showed that even the visible presence of a phone made conversations feel less intimate and fulfilling to those involved.
一开始可能会感觉很别扭，而且最有效的方法可能取决于你与说话者的关系。但是通过时间和练习，你可以将这些基本行为内化。比方说，一位好朋友想向你倾诉他们与伴侣之间的问题。在开始谈话之前，先排除周围环境中的任何干扰。关掉电视，摘下耳机，把手机放得远远的。一项研究表明，即使手机的可见存在，也会让谈话者感觉谈话不那么亲密和充实。

Once the conversation begins, one of the most important things you can do is also the most obvious— try not to interrupt. This doesn't mean you need to stay completely silent. But if you do interject, look for natural pauses to ask open-ended questions that benefit the speaker, not just your curiosity. Questions like "What happened next?" or "How did that make you feel?" confirm that you're following the story while also helping the speaker dive deeper into their own thoughts. Another great way to show your understanding is by summarizing what you just heard and asking if you've missed anything. Summaries like this show the speaker that you're truly trying to understand them rather than just waiting for your turn to talk.


Speaking of which, while a good conversation requires back and forth, planning out your response while the speaker is talking is a common way to miss what's being said. So try to stay present and if you lose focus, don't be shy about asking the speaker to repeat what you missed. This might feel embarrassing, but asking for clarification actually shows that you're committed to understanding. Finally, don't be afraid of silence. It's okay to ask for a moment to formulate your response and taking a beat to think can help speakers reflect on their speech as well.


These might seem like small changes, but together they make a big difference. And when people feel heard, they report more satisfaction, trust, and connection in their relationships. In the workplace, employees who feel heard generally experience less burnout, and perceive the managers who listened to them more favorably. Unfortunately, while it might be easy to listen to some people, it can be hard to muster all this focus and attention if you disagree with or dislike the speaker. But these situations might actually benefit most from your efforts to listen openly.


The theory of psychological reactance suggests that trying to force someone to change their mind makes them more likely to defend their point of view. However, recent studies suggest that high-quality listening fosters open-mindedness by creating a non-judgmental and psychologically safe environment. Of course, truly open-minded listening isn't about changing people's minds. Good listening is not the same as agreeing, and conversations don't have to end with a happy resolution. But even during a disagreement, sometimes being heard is enough to start a deeper conversation.


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