The School of Life｜为何我们如此在意他人的看法？

Why Do We Care So Much About What Others Think?

It is natural for most of us to spend time worrying about our reputation: what others think of us, whether we are deemed good or bad by the community…

This can quickly become a painful topic, and our thoughts can descend into bonfires of worry. What if we are accused of something? What if we are ostracised and mocked? What if we become a pariah?

A useful way out of the panic was suggested many centuries ago by the Stoic thinkers of Ancient Greece and Rome. They suggested that we divide the topic of reputation into two parts. On the one hand, who we are and what we think of ourselves. And on the other: what other people may decide to declare or say about us.

Now, the Stoics reminded us of an important detail. We can never be certain of the second part of the equation; we cannot control the world beyond a certain point. There is always the possibility that someone vengeful, mean or disturbed is going to say something about us and try to damage us. We can never be completely assured that they won't.

This could sound like alarming news, but the Stoics wished us to take it on board with courage and then gain strength from focusing on the first part of the equation: what we think of ourselves.

And here, things are far, far brighter, because we are far more in control. We can calmly evaluate what we've done, what our hearts are like – and we can then come to a view of what sort of people we are, which can provide us with a vital bulwark against the possible vagaries and tempests of public opinion. We have a solid anchor. We can know who we are.

Modern psychotherapy would add an important detail to this analysis. Our sense of who we feel we are is often highly distorted in a negative direction by our past – which can make us far more jittery about public opinion than is sound. Our sense of self is the result of how other people viewed us in childhood, especially our parents or caregivers.

Some of us wander the world with an acute sense of shame and self-distrust that we absolutely don't deserve, and we project a lot of paranoia and fear onto other people – primarily because we've been treated with disdain in our early years.

We are going to start to feel a lot more solid and immune from the ups and downs of gossip once we become conscious of how negatively biased we've been and settle in our minds what we think we are worth – irrespective of either what figures from our past said or what someone around us now might suddenly decide.

词汇表
reputation [ˌrepjuˈteɪʃn] 名声，名誉
deem [diːm] 认为，视为，觉得
descend into [dɪˈsend] 陷入，沦为  
bonfire [ˈbɒnfaɪə(r)] 篝火，营火，火堆
ostracise [ˈɒstrəsaɪz] 排斥，排挤；放逐
mock [mɒk] 嘲笑，嘲弄；模仿
pariah [pəˈraɪə] 被社会抛弃的人，被排斥者；贱民
Stoic [ˈstəʊɪk] 斯多葛学派的；斯多葛派学者（古希腊哲学流派，强调理性、自制与承受苦难）
equation [ɪˈkweɪʒn] 等式，方程式
vengeful [ˈvendʒfl] 复仇心重的，报复的
disturbed [dɪˈstɜːbd] 心理不正常的，精神紊乱的
take on board 接受，理解，考虑
bulwark [ˈbʊlwək] 壁垒，防御物，保障
vagary [ˈveɪɡəri] 变幻莫测，反复无常
tempest [ˈtempɪst] 暴风雨，骚动，风波
solid anchor [ˈsɒlɪd ˈæŋkə(r)] 稳固的锚点（喻指坚定的自我认知）  
psychotherapy [ˌsaɪkəʊˈθerəpi] 心理治疗，精神疗法
distorted [dɪˈstɔːtɪd] 扭曲的，受到曲解的
jittery [ˈdʒɪtəri] 紧张不安的，神经过敏的
caregiver [ˈkeəɡɪvə(r)] 看护人，照料者
wander [ˈwɒndə(r)] 徘徊，游荡，闲逛
acute [əˈkjuːt] 强烈的，剧烈的
self-distrust [ˌself dɪsˈtrʌst] 自我怀疑，没有信心，畏缩
project [prəˈdʒekt] 投射（将自身情感转移给他人）
paranoia [ˌpærəˈnɔɪə] 多疑，恐惧；妄想症，偏执狂
disdain [dɪsˈdeɪn] 轻蔑，鄙视，抛弃
immune from [ɪˈmjuːn] 不受…影响的，免除的
ups and downs [ʌps ənd daʊnz] 起伏，兴衰，起起落落
gossip [ˈɡɒsɪp] 流言蜚语，闲言碎语  
negatively biased [ˈneɡətɪvli ˈbaɪəst] 负面偏见的
irrespective of [ˌɪrɪˈspektɪv] 不管，不顾

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