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0How 'Fawning' Is Ruining Your Relationships
Meg Josephson, a psychotherapist in San Francisco, once had a client who said she left every social event convinced, without any proof, that everyone hated her.
It was a pattern Ms. Josephson recognized both in herself and in her other clients. It’s the prickle of alarm when a friend’s text ends with a period instead of a "friendly" exclamation point. This nagging feeling that you’re in trouble is common, Ms. Josephson said, and there’s a name for the strategy that some people use to keep it at bay: fawning.
When we sense danger, our nervous systems can respond in three ways: fight, flight or freeze. But some psychologists, like Ms. Josephson, believe that fawning is a fourth stress response. The term was coined by Pete Walker, a psychologist in Berkeley, California. He defines fawning as a protective response developed in childhood as a reaction to trauma — an extreme form of people pleasing.
With her new book, "Are You Mad at Me?", Ms. Josephson hopes to help people who think that "I can’t feel OK unless the other person is OK". I asked her to explain three key takeaways.
Don't automatically assume you did something wrong.
Check fawning behavior by starting small. And if a person tells you that she is not mad at you, take her word for it. "Get comfortable with the discomfort of taking what people say at face value without second-guessing what else they could secretly be feeling."
Make honest communication your goal. "It's not in your control to make someone else happy," Ms. Josephson said. What is in your control, "is how you spend your time, your energy and your focus."
fawn 英 [fɔːn] 美 [fɒːn] v. 动物（尤指狗）摇着尾巴示好；讨好（to try to please someone by praising them or paying them too much attention）
The underlings are fawning on their bosses.奴才巴结主子。
近义词辨析：fawning 比 people-pleasing 讨好的程度更深一些。
left a place convinced that … 带着一种深信不疑的感觉离开某地
convinced adj. 深信不疑的
prickle of alarm 针刺般的警觉
prickle n. 刺痛
alarm n. 警报
exclamation point 感叹号
nagging 英 [ˈnæɡɪŋ] 美 [ˈnæɡɪŋ] adj. 反复出现、令人烦躁不安的
a nagging pain 一阵阵的、缠绵不愈的疼痛
keep something at bay 遏制，阻挡
keep hunger at bay 抵挡饥饿
keep the enemy at bay 阻挡敌军
fight, flight or freeze 打，逃，僵
"战或逃"反应（Fight-or-flight response）：身体面对重大威胁、挑战或恐慌时的一种即时生理反应。
take one's word for it 相信某人的话
Take my word for it. 信我的，准没错。
at face value 按表面价值理解，不质疑、不深挖
You shouldn't take anything she says at face value.她的话你绝对不能只看表面。
without second-guessing 别再回想，别再琢磨
second-guess v. 事后猜测，反复琢磨
