The School of Life｜为什么我们会逃离自己渴望的爱？

Why we run from the love we crave

One of the most perplexing of all our behaviours is our tendency – in relationships – to flee from the warmth and affection it is so natural for us to want.

In the face of someone who seems to like us very much, who smiles tenderly at us whenever we walk in the room and is interested in the details of our lives, some of us may respond in an extremely counterintuitive way: by feeling nauseous and (in time, probably) running away.

To understand this kind of emotional avoidance, we might draw an analogy with food. Let's imagine someone who grew up in an impoverished setting with a severely restricted diet: they had no option but to get used to only the smallest meals. The only way to survive was to need nearly nothing.

Their digestive system, having adapted to scarcity, cannot process the richness before them. The very sight of a full plate may generate anxiety; they may fall ill in the face of the plenty they had so long desired. So too in love, those among us who grew up in households where affection was severely rationed may principally have learnt to want very little from other people.

When a partner expresses immense interest in our day, we may feel suffocated rather than cared for. When someone wants to spend every evening together, we can feel trapped rather than wanted. When our lover expresses admiration, we can experience inadequacy rather than satisfaction. Our discomfort is a central legacy and indicator of our deprivation.

If we can accept that our condition isn't a sign of evil but simply the result of a certain sort of melancholy upbringing, we may develop the courage one day to explain the situation to a partner (and first, of course, to ourselves).

We can, without shame, teach our beloved that the kindest thing they might be able to do for us is not to be too kind to us or at least not too soon; the most generous thing would be not to be too abundant.

We want their love for sure, but we require it in very small doses and not all at once. We are going to need time on our own, there shouldn't be too many hugs, compliments should be spaced apart.

Understanding why love has to be titrated like this helps to move our other partner away from feeling insulted, and then getting angry and perhaps resorting to pejorative descriptions of our avoidant condition (like commitment phobia or fear of intimacy).

At the same time, the more we can we understand the genesis of our sense of being overwhelmed, the more we stand eventually to perceive that our caution has outlived its uses.

We may be able to bear the ecstasy and plenitude of mutual love, we may no longer need to protect ourselves so assiduously against what nourishes and heals us.

词汇表
crave [kreɪv] vt. 渴望，热望
perplexing [pəˈpleksɪŋ] adj. 令人困惑的，费解的
flee from [fliː] 逃离，逃避
affection [əˈfekʃn] n. 喜爱，爱意，情感
tenderly [ˈtendəli] adv. 温柔地，体贴地
counterintuitive [ˌkaʊntərɪnˈtjuːɪtɪv] adj. 反直觉的，与预期相反的
nauseous [ˈnɔːziəs] adj. 感到恶心的，厌恶的，想作呕的
avoidance [əˈvɔɪdəns] n. 回避，逃避
draw an analogy [əˈnælədʒi] 打比方，作类比
impoverished setting [ɪmˈpɒvərɪʃt] 贫困的环境，匮乏的成长背景
digestive system [daɪˈdʒestɪv] 消化系统
scarcity [ˈskeəsəti] n. 匮乏，缺乏，不足
rationed [ˈræʃənd] adj. 定量配给的，限量供应的，匮乏的
principally [ˈprɪnsəpəli] adv. 主要地，根本上
immense [ɪˈmens] adj. 巨大的，极大的
suffocated [ˈsʌfəkeɪtɪd] adj. 窒息的，被压抑的
inadequacy [ɪnˈædɪkwəsi] n. 不足，缺乏信心，不胜任感
legacy [ˈleɡəsi] n. 遗留，遗产，后遗症
indicator [ˈɪndɪkeɪtə(r)] n. 指标，标志，指示物
deprivation [ˌdeprɪˈveɪʃn] n. 匮乏，缺失，剥夺
melancholy [ˈmelənkəli] adj. 忧郁的，悲哀的
upbringing [ˈʌpbrɪŋɪŋ] n. 成长经历，成长环境
beloved [bɪˈlʌvɪd] n. 爱人，心爱的人
in small doses [ˈdəʊsɪz] 以小剂量，少量地
be spaced apart [speɪst] 间隔开，分散开
titrate [taɪˈtreɪt] vt. 滴定，逐渐调整
resort to [rɪˈzɔːt] 诉诸，依靠，采取
pejorative [pɪˈdʒɒrətɪv] adj. 贬损的，轻蔑的
avoidant [əˈvɔɪdənt] adj. 回避的，回避型的
commitment phobia [kəˈmɪtmənt ˈfəʊbiə] 承诺恐惧症
fear of intimacy [ˈɪntɪməsi] 亲密恐惧
genesis [ˈdʒenəsɪs] n. 起源，发生，根源
outlive its uses [ˌaʊtˈlɪv] 不再有用，过时
ecstasy [ˈekstəsi] n. 狂喜，入迷，陶醉
plenitude [ˈplenɪtjuːd] n. 丰盈，充足，丰富
assiduously [əˈsɪdjuəsli] adv. 刻意地，刻苦地，勤勉地
nourish [ˈnʌrɪʃ] vt. 滋养，养育，培养

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