831
0Why do we struggle to be alone?
Being alone is horrible. We want a partner. We don't want to spend every weekend by ourselves. We're sick of the long holidays when no one else is around. But to soften our grief, we can take comfort from a small, seemingly incidental detail.
Being alone is not always equally awful. Some nights it's excruciating, others entirely bearable, even quite nice. The sheer physical act of being at home for extended hours without anyone else around doesn't carry any single interpretation. Through some lenses, it's innocent. Through others, punitive and humiliating.
What then explains the difference? It comes down at heart to the meaning that we ascribe to being alone. Sometimes being alone means some of the following: we're good people, we have plenty of options, we've been busy, and we need to recover.
Our solitude is willed. It's a marker of distinction, of noble choosiness. Our aloneness says nothing at all damning about us. It's a dignified state, such as enjoyed by some of the highest spirits.
Beethoven spent a long time alone, as did Darwin, Agnes Martin, and Emily Dickinson. We are in good company here on our own in bed at three in the afternoon.
But at other moments, being alone means something hugely less salutary. As we walk around the kitchen, as we sit on the sofa and look at the gray sky and the pigeon in the courtyard, a grim lens descends over our state.
You're like this because everyone has rejected you. You're marked out as deficient. You are, politely put, a loser. There's something wrong with you. Normal people never get into such a condition. They're all outside right now in jolly, boisterous, supportive groups. Everyone else has somewhere to go, somewhere very nourishing and very lovely.
You've been like this since the start. You struggled at school, and you struggle still now. You're one of life's wretches. You're alone because you're hateful. You're alone because you're an idiot.
Such sentences aren't generally consciously articulated, which is precisely why it's good to bring them out of the shadows and then to fight them with logic.
Our problem isn't, and never was, being alone. It's the cancer of self-hatred which coats loneliness with contempt. It's our inability to be friends with ourselves.
It is, let's hazard a guess, the legacy of a childhood in which no one came when we cried, and no one much cared how we felt, and where we were never able to internalize a kindly, benign voice that could make our sorrows feel less stringent.
Let this message be a friend, a friend who does the most important thing any friend could do, reassure us of our decency and our right to dignity. There are no rational grounds to let an entirely unfair self-loathing spoil yet another peaceful, wholly normal, very quiet Sunday by ourselves.
词汇表
incidental [ˌɪnsɪˈdentl] adj. 次要的，附带的，伴随的
excruciating [ɪkˈskruːʃieɪtɪŋ] adj. 极痛苦的，折磨人的
lens [lenz] n. 透镜，镜头；（看待事物的）视角，角度
innocent [ˈɪnəsnt] adj. 无辜的，清白的，无害的
punitive [ˈpjuːnətɪv] adj. 惩罚性的，处罚的
ascribe to [əˈskraɪb] 把…归因于，认为…具有（某种特质）
willed [wɪld] adj. 有意志的，自愿的
distinction [dɪˈstɪŋkʃn] n. 卓越，优秀，杰出
choosiness [ˈtʃuːzinəs] n. 挑剔，讲究
dignified [ˈdɪɡnɪfaɪd] adj. 有尊严的，高贵的
salutary [ˈsæljʊt(ə)ri] adj. 有益的，有利的（往往不愉快）
pigeon [ˈpɪdʒɪn] n. 鸽子
grim [ɡrɪm] adj. 阴沉的，严肃的，忧愁的
descend over [dɪˈsend] 降临，笼罩
be marked out as 被标为，被认定为，被贴上…的标签
deficient [dɪˈfɪʃnt] adj. 有缺陷的，不足的，缺乏的
jolly [ˈdʒɒli] adj. 欢乐的，快乐的，愉快的
boisterous [ˈbɔɪstərəs] adj. 喧闹的，欢闹的
nourishing [ˈnʌrɪʃɪŋ] adj. 滋养的，有营养的
wretch [retʃ] n. 可怜的人，不幸的人
articulate [ɑːˈtɪkjuleɪt] vt. 明确表达，清楚说明
self-hatred [ˌselfˈheɪtrɪd] n. 自我憎恨，自我厌恶
contempt [kənˈtempt] n. 轻蔑，鄙视，蔑视
hazard a guess [ˈhæzəd] 大胆猜测，冒险猜测
legacy [ˈleɡəsi] n. 遗产，遗留问题，后遗症
internalize [ɪnˈtɜːnəlaɪz] vt. 使内在化，使内化
benign [bɪˈnaɪn] adj. 和蔼的，温和的；良性的
stringent [ˈstrɪndʒənt] adj. 严格的，严苛的，沉重的
decency [ˈdiːsnsi] n. 正派，体面，得体
rational grounds [ˈræʃənl ɡraʊndz] 理性依据，合理理由
self-loathing [ˌselfˈləʊðɪŋ] n. 自我厌恶，自我憎恨
spoil [spɔɪl] vt. 破坏，毁掉；溺爱，宠坏
🏫翻译，视频和pdf见公众号【琐简英语】，回复"1"可进入【打卡交流群】
