bgm：控制 - 法兹乐队 FAZI 最后的一个月了，还有无数崩溃时刻等着我，我得说点什么 02:20 理想和现实之间是一道鸿沟，如何把编码转换成行动？如何像机器人一样少胡思乱想只管执行？我只想说一句Life sucks. 03:00 “我甚至不需要清晰的计划，只需要无脑重复昨天的我。可是啊可是，我找不到昨天的我了。” I just need to repeat what I have done yesterday.I don't need to draft a new plan for myself for today. However, I'm not the one in the yesterday. 03:22 思想的巨人，行动的矮子。昨天的我去哪了？下一个鸡血峰值什么时候来。 Yesterday I looked so high spirited, I looked so happy, so excited and so energetic or I can be one teacher for myself, I can see something sounds really, you know, meaningful, sounds really educational and sounds really significant, 04:01 我们从不缺方法论 Everyone knows how to be successful. 07:12 嘿，比赛还没完呢。你忘了之前的努力都算数。It's not the end of the day, it's not what you do today that will determine the final, situation, determine the fruit, the final result. You need to think, you need to believe that what you have done before today. 09:52 一个人久了，我忘了这条路上有无数的战友正和我一同焦虑着 Everyone is struggling and wants to be the winner. 10:28 我得看到那份试卷，我得上战场 I know that next month I have to face the final, final game, final battle, I have to act myself like a soldier, prepare myself for all of the weapons, all of the knowledge in my mind, I go to the battlefield and to work, to fight, to fight for my own. 12:01 努力是最可靠的东西了，努力是我唯一的武器 Everyone can rely on their efforts, everyone can compete with others but also be more outstanding because of their efforts, so that's my way being hard working, 13:08 从十一点半到一点半，我精疲力竭却无法入睡 15:10 这份以为一天已经毁了的错觉会让我一蹶不振 It's something like I have already ruined my day 17:04 短视频的背景音乐停止的那一刻我发现自己置身莫大的孤独之中，娱乐过后我感觉到更深的歉疚 But when I have fully engage myself in entertainment, you know, I just sometimes feel lonely, even though I can hear the loud voice, I can smile, I can laugh with this video. 19:33 破天荒的七小时，我什么都没落下，一切都来得及 Seven hours. 23:02 不要提前焦虑 23:25 关注脚下的进步，过去的每一份努力都不白费 Look at all of your efforts. Do you still remember what you have done compared to tomorrow? You should stare at your progress now. 26:13 大白话环节

bgm：韦礼安-好天气 当你状态好的时候你能耕几亩地就耕几亩 When you are in good condition, cultivate as many acres of land as you can 01:07 1. 人的能量真的是很奇怪的东西 忽高忽低(fluctuating up and down) 对我来说现在的我真的不要“见好就收”，好状态来的时候就要狠狠干活。 For me, I really don't want to "stop when things are good" right now. When I'm in a good state, I have to work hard. 05:08 2. 减少选择的成本，不要想，直接做。昨天晚上我已经盘算好了。Reduce the cost of choice. Don't think about it; just do it. 所以今天早上我什么都不想，只专注我第一件要做的事儿。八点多左右出门跑了两公里不到。我一整天都趾高气昂的、神采奕奕的。就像我在一天最开头的时候已经搬了一座山，而一切尚早。这种感觉真好。I was haughty and energetic all day long. It's like I moved a mountain at the very beginning of the day, but everything is still early. This feeling is so good. 06:59 3. 晒被子对我的意义 The significance of airing out quilts to me 晒被子是一件需要天时地利人和的事情。 如果你也和我一样懒那么你一定知道，尽管理论上每一个晴天你都可以去做这件事，但是如果你没有状态的话你是可以半年都不晒被子的。 Airing out quilts is a matter that requires the right timing, location and human resources. If you are as lazy as I am, you must know that although in theory you can do this every sunny day, if you are not in the right state, you can go half a year without airing your quilt. 晒被子首先就意味着这不是一个雨天，你的心里会意识到你在“好好生活”，而这种积极的心理暗示是能帮助你让今天一整天都浸泡在高能量的场域里。Airing out your quilt first and foremost means that it's not a rainy day. You will realize in your heart that you are "living well", and this positive psychological suggestion can help you immerse yourself in a high-energy field throughout the day. 于是今天，我把几乎所有的快递拿回家、晒被子、洗澡洗头，用细小的事情给自己助力。用无数的小胜鼓励自己攻克大山。 So today, I took almost all the express deliveries home, aired out my bedding, took a bath and washed my hair, giving myself a boost with these small things. Encourage oneself to overcome the mountains with countless small victories. 10:06 4. 女生就是有天生的亲和力 问路的帅气阿姨突然与我对视 帮助别人让我感觉灵魂得到了升华 之前我也一直在找我人生的意义，找不到的时候我会寄托于他人，好像帮助别人就能让我更有意义 有点像悼词美德"eulogy virtue" 但我自认为其实我是一个更偏向简历美德"resume virtue"的人 Girls just have an innate affinity The handsome auntie who was asking for directions suddenly looked at me Helping others makes me feel that my soul has been elevated Before, I was also constantly seeking the meaning of my life. When I couldn't find it, I would rely on others, as if helping others could make me more meaningful It's a bit like "eulogy virtue" But I think I'm actually a person who leans more towards "resume virtue" 12:38 5. 每个人都不可能时刻保持高能量。偶遇考研的“战友”，当我能量满满的时候有的人可能正在低谷，所以我想一切都是暂时的。当属于你的那道浪来的时候，你要告诉自己“我准备好了！你赶紧的！” No one can always maintain high energy.I happened to run into my "comrades-in-arms" who were preparing for the postgraduate entrance examination. While I was full of energy, some of them might be at a low point. So I think everything is temporary. When the wave that belongs to you comes, you should tell yourself, "I'm ready!" "Hurry up!" "

bgm：跟悲伤结了帐 - Gareth.T,揽佬SKAI ISYOURGOD 00:45 1. 拖延的任务就像一根小刺，只要它还没解决，其他一切我都没法专心去做，我没法自欺欺人。 我终于交了我的修改后的outline，这就像一块石头，它压在我心上太久太久。而今天，也就是ddl的最后一天，我终于做到了。 05:48 2. That girl的人设是模仿不来的，但我们的生活不就是一天一天骗着自己过吗？ 我与我的作息较劲 某书的自律狂人们 你大可以模仿他们，但你最终会找到适合自己的节奏。模仿是一件很棒的事儿，只要你的role model是积极的，你靠近他，汲取的所有能量也是真实的，那就已经很赚了。 当你真正考研的时候你发现，就像高考一样，你根本不是每天把弦崩的紧紧的，抽不出一点时间玩耍，那是“卷王们”做的事儿，而成为卷王需要能力，我们只是普通人。 07:30 3. 老娘是普通，但老娘也可以伟大。 抓大放小。 可是普通人不意味着放弃。这么多个月以来，我逐渐习得了要摒弃“非一即零”的幼稚心态。鸡血不足是很正常的，你要接受平静的一天 ，在平静的日子里继续完成任务。在最枯燥最乏味的时刻继续坚持。你只需要坚持就行了。而坚持本身就很伟大。 10:06 4. 看马拉松的我永远热泪盈眶 我刚看了一个视频，让我泪流满面。是博主“你好竹子”首个马拉松的视频。我没想到自己会哭，也许是因为我也同样喜欢跑步，我也同样在日复一日的努力，我也同样渴望，摇摆着相信自己，跌跌撞撞地前进。 11:01 5. 坚持过的人才知道，坚持是无数个细小组成的。每一个经历考研的人都会明白，倒数日数字的每一天的缩小是揉进你每一分每一秒的，揉进你无数的挣扎、情绪崩溃。 为所有坚持的人举杯，祝我们都能拿到奖牌。 好了，我现在要为了我的奖牌去摩拳擦掌了。

bgm：story that never ends - 陈康堤 今天这期播客想送给所有擅长责怪自己的朋友 本期摘要： 一次与老师的寻常谈话，却让我意外地情绪决堤。在不受控制的泪水与抽泣中，我感到的不仅是悲伤，更是深深的羞愧与自我责怪——“我讨厌哭，更讨厌无法控制自己的哭”。这期播客记录了一次突如其来的情绪崩溃，以及崩溃之后与自我的深刻对话。我们似乎总是不允许自己脆弱，但正如一句点醒我的话：“人想到伤心事就是会哭啊”。最终，这期节目希望与你分享一个温柔的领悟：请允许自己哭泣，包容自己的脆弱，做自己最好的朋友。 美好的结局，正从你原谅自己的那一刻开始书写。 情绪崩溃后的第一反应居然是责怪自己 After an emotional breakdown, my first reaction is to blame myself 00:43 Preview 01:22 Start 02:22 我太擅长自我否定了I'm too good at self-denial. 02:45 Even though you know that you don't have the responsibility but you just habit put that in your stress put that to add on your stress. 04:21 我只知道我的声音开始颤抖，鼻子一酸，我就开始流泪了。 I just like breaking machine andi stuck and I can't control myself better. 05:45 So after this conversation I just want to quickly end up all of this 因此在结束谈话之后，我匆匆离去，我知道自己眼睛一定红了，而且我的情绪一直间歇性地忍不住激动。 我讨厌哭，更讨厌哭的时候无法控制自己，更更讨厌无法控制自己的哭的时候有人看着我。 I knew my eyes must have been red, and my emotions had been intermittently agitated. 06:37 “人想到伤心事就是会哭啊” “People just feel sad people just cry when they feel when they think of the sad things.” 07:14 And I realized I still can't learn the ability to forgive myself for being vulnerable. 我还是没能原谅自己会脆弱，我不能压抑这些情绪。我要允许自己的眼泪，包容它们，然后等我收拾好了我再继续。 08:30 And I'will see this I'will see my crying today as one of the way to vent my stress it's a good thing it's really normal I should tell myself. 当然我也知道因为处理这些事情会让我焦虑时间。考研三字头了，我的压力是缓缓增加的，因此这次的哭也许也是一种压力宣泄 这是好事啊。这很正常啊。我是我自己最好的朋友，永远要记得原谅自己、鼓励自己、哄着自己向前。继续写你的热血番吧，而美好的大结局就在你的脚下。Keep writing your passionate anime, and a wonderful ending is right beneath your feet. 09:12 中文絮絮叨

上期录的实在是太虚伪了。哈哈，不知从什么时候开始，我的每期播客的结尾似乎都在追求一个正确的价值。不知道是不是因为收听这越来越多了，我居然有了可笑的“包袱”。Anyways，很难解释的事儿我就不解释了。总之这一期，我就想回到以前那种乱七八糟一骨碌最原始地把我脑子里的想法都说出来0剪辑的时候。 我不要来正确的结尾、老套的鸡汤，比起那些，让我们来点丑陋的真心话吧。 本期内容有： 1. 好想回到高中啊（假的），怀念睡不饱却像个陀螺一样每天干许多事儿充实的日子啊（得了吧皮痒痒了）。可说真的比起酣畅的睡眠，我更想要做自律狠人的剧本。 2. 我为什么今晚一直哭（我真的有电话恐惧症，看到爸妈就想哭，萧条了两天感觉梦离自己越来越远了，恨自己不争气，求你了快点给我上强度。考试ddl越来越近了，天天都在自我怀疑自我拉扯。真的好烦啊） 3. 日子过不下去的时候太阳还是会升起来，想不到答案的时候就随便蒙一个交卷，你没想出的解法时间会告诉你，时间可能不会抚平但是会拖着你去下一个目的地。不是每一道题都要解，到点了就让往事随风。赶紧的 重新做人吧。到底谁是生活的主人啊，别恁矫情了。

过去这一周简直是起起伏伏，人的状态不可能一直好的，心态，心态真的很重要。清空你的大脑，保持理智！ 1. 考研的时候还需要平衡许多其他事情 2. 身体差的时候学习的时长比想象中的长，原来阻碍我的不是身体的劳累而是心累 3. 换环境，把自己扔到人流里，让自己动起来 4. 专注在解决方案上，不要专注在焦虑上 5. 不敢接电话其实是逃避解决问题 6. 积极点，一切都会过去的，相信努力的力量，相信自己 bgm：蔡依林-心形圈

本期摘要： 在消失了十天后，我录下了这期播客。一次膝盖受伤，让我像一颗“发烂发臭”的小蘑菇，被困在宿舍的方寸之间，靠外卖度日，甚至用疯狂的食欲（KFC全鸡+榴莲血糯米甜品）来应对失控的情绪。本期节目是一次真实的声音日记，记录了从行动不便、修车闹剧、焦虑梦境，到论文重压的连锁反应。最终，我通过一场盛大的“个人清算”——洗澡、洗衣、整理书桌——为自己创造了一个重置点，决心走向图书馆，在混乱中寻求一丝秩序。如果你也曾感到被生活暂时击垮，或许能在这里找到共鸣。 时间戳： * 00:00 - 开场与“个人清算”：长期消失后的回归，为何将此录作我的“重置点”；完成洗澡、洗衣、打扫等一系列仪式，准备出发去图书馆。 * 01:22 - “发烂发臭”的蘑菇生活：受伤后被困在宿舍的日常；唯一的外出是拿外卖；昨夜失控的食欲是情绪发出的红色警报。 * 02:51 - 崩溃的学习状态与改变的决定：连续几天学习效率低下；决定通过改变环境来强制重启。 * 03:10 - 膝盖受伤的连锁反应：受伤带来的巨大不便；独自回到事故现场，发现车轮瘪气是失控原因。 * 04:03 - 修车与租车的闹剧：修车后车辆还是不敢骑；退还租车、破财消灾。 * 05:24 - 失控的睡眠与焦虑的梦境：无论睡多久都无法恢复精力；梦见在机场狂奔，害怕误机；身体无法运动与枯燥复习是根源。 * 06:48 - 堆积如山的压力：考试日期临近带来的焦虑；导师反馈要从大纲开始修改开题报告。 * 08:12 - 结尾的祈祷：希望在最后的几天里能够“否极泰来”（When you hit rock bottom, the only way is up）。 BGM: I'm Me - Us The Duo

bgm：日落 - 孙燕姿；十分钟的恋爱 00:37 中文开场白 02:06 Start！ 02:41 昨天晚上看到小S（Elephant Dee）金钟奖复出获奖的视频，我的泪水哗哗地流。 Just last night, I was watching a clip of Xiao S （ Elephant Dee）making her comeback at the Golden Bell Awards. And out of nowhere, I just started weeping. 04:40 我从没想过今天早上的跑步会是我的“最后一次”跑步——至少有一段时间是这样。I never thought that this morning’s run would be my "last" run—at least for a while. 05:22 Something weird something strange just came. The scooter didn't sound right... 车身重重地压在了我的身上，我的膝盖重重地磕在地上。当我起来的时候，两个膝盖很大的一片鲜血。 The next thing I knew, the scooter came crashing down on me. My knees slammed hard against the pavement. When I finally got up, both of my knees were covered in blood—large, raw patches staring back at me. I straightened the bike, but I didn’t dare get back on. Slowly, I pushed it to the side of the road. 07:02 我的两个膝盖非常疼，我的泪水止不住地流。不是那种委屈的哭，是生理反应的哭。It's just a purely physical reaction I think. 08:00 走着走着，命运般遇到了我的朋友。她就像天使一样对我说“上车吧”。She drove me to the campus clinic 09:13 出来之后我的膝盖还是渗血，发疼。但是我心里已经好了许多 My knees still hurt but emotionally I feel much better I feel more grounded. 10:28 安顿好一切之后告诉家人 And after everything was taken care of settle down a finally sent one message to my parents to let them know what had happened. 11:07 本来按照我的计划，中午是要吃饭洗澡睡觉。不过这些突如其来的事情就好像在锻炼我的“反脆弱”能力，否极泰来。何况我是如此幸运，身边有许多爱我的家人朋友。接下来就是收拾心情，注意安全！ Originally, my plan for the afternoon was to eat, shower, and rest. But sometimes, unexpected events—whether it's a wave of grief for a sister you never knew you missed so much, or a bike crash that shakes your whole body—feel like life’s way of testing your resilience. Maybe when things hit rock bottom, they can only get better. And honestly, I’m so lucky to be surrounded by family and friends who care about me. So for now, I’ll take a deep breath, focus on healing, and remember to be a little more careful next time.

bgm：不遗憾 - 陈冬霖 00:28 Preview 02:23 1. 努力建立自己的习惯的最近。好的习惯就像投票，一天状态不好或是任务没做完是可以原谅的，但是不要让自己的弦断掉，let your string break 不要消沉逃避和拖延，Don't be depressed, evasive or procrastinate. 不要三天打鱼两天晒网。don't be inconsistent in your efforts. 06:10你要做的只是尽量每天给那个池子里投票，坚持的力量是难以想象的。 06:33 2. 我每天的兴奋剂或者说充电宝。My daily stimulant or power bank. * 1. 铁三的运动员们The triathlon athletes 铁三比赛是将游泳、自行车和跑步这三项运动结合起来而创造的一项新型的体育运动项目，是考验运动员体力和意志的运动项目。 Jonas Deichmann 乔纳斯·戴希曼（Jonas Deichmann）是德国知名极限运动员，以高强度耐力挑战闻名。以下是其最新挑战记录： 连续120天完成120场铁人三项。 2024年5月9日至9月5日，他在德国罗特小镇完成连续120天、每日一场的铁人三项挑战（含游泳3.8公里、骑行180公里、跑步42公里）。 这种不可思议的极限坚持的背后是热爱和巨大的意志力，而当我了解了他的故事，我的心里就会升起激情。我以前从来对体育赛事不感兴趣，可最近我开始看Deichmann的故事，也开始看基普乔格Kipchoge （以1小时59分40秒2的成绩，成功突破了马拉松2小时的极限）、郑钦文。感谢运动员，他们以超强的意志力和行动激励我向前。 “当你以为这个世界因为疫情而停顿下来的时候，总有些人克服千难万险，默默蓄力前行。” * 10:03 2.梵高的故事 27岁投身画画，37岁去世。大器晚成。 昨天晚上我在看梵高的画，我觉得他画的真好啊，浓烈的色彩，好喜欢富有生命力的笔触。 * 11:41 3.看高能量的人。 我想谈谈我现在唯一在追的一个综艺节目《花儿与少年第七季》。里面我最喜欢的两个人，一个是龚俊，一个是张雅琪。 他们两个都事无巨细、有责任心、上进、体贴。 张雅琪和明星不一样，我之前了解她是在《令人心动的offer》（Irresistable Offer），而这一次她辞职到芒果台湖南卫视成为一名新的主持人加入到这个节目中。在节目里她完美诠释了打工人的样貌。看了节目以后，我去她的社交平台看了她以前的vlog，被她高能量一天打3份工的状态所鼓舞，那几天我每天都看她的视频。能量是会传染的。既然如此，我们应该尽量往高能量去靠。Energy is contagious. In that case, we should try our best to lean towards high energy. 14:48 3.除了从这些榜样中获得能量之外。我还学到了一招对我很管用——想象大法。 具体来说就是想象自己想要成为什么样的人，想象如果是ta，会是什么心态，而我要达到那样的目标今天该做什么，该养成什么习惯。 16:20 昨天我们学校的公众号发了一篇推送，是我们学院的一个学姐，我早就听说过她的“传说”，如今，她的ip在英国，她被牛津大学录取了。不仅如此，她拿到了牛津剑桥的双offer。这个故事对我很震撼，虽然我和她不熟悉，可是我以前也常常能在学校里看见她。努力、野心，我们要相信自己的能力。 14:48 畅享自己打了胜仗之后和亲友团聚，我们凑在一起打麻将、密室逃脱。畅享我在上海读书，我和家人们在小屋里吃饭看电视，畅享我以研究生的身份在国外交流…… 21:03 4. 最后一休休给新鲜出炉的上集的后续 给我褪色的友谊存档

为什么啊... bgm：自作多情-周慧敏 02:21 start

bgm：志明与春娇-孙燕姿 这期很特别，阴阳割昏晓，前半部分是我今天录的，后半部分突然变林妹妹在中秋节自影自怜。 1. 图书馆的黑皮体育生神似tomo，我们有时候会有眼神交流但是停留在陌生人的关系。他真的很努力，也感染了我。还有一个女生今天坐我旁边，她在图书馆边吃零食边工作，特别影响我，每隔几分钟她还要扭动身体站起来。不过我马上提醒自己，嘿嘿，他们都不重要，这些都不能影响我。就像我昨天早上找不到眼镜，我也是马上想应急方案，先搁置，先忽略。专注眼前小小的事儿。 2. 我特意绕远路去了一条可以飙车的道再回寝室。嘴巴哼着耳机里放的歌，一边拧着油门，觉得特别放松自由。 3.刷视频就像吃薯片一样，过了最兴奋的一阵之后，接下来的刺激越来越少，当我意识到快乐阈值越来越高的时候，我会选择停止，去做我该做的事。尽管我是如此抗拒，但是如果不做的话，任务清单一直在那里一动不动。 4. 今天我就是这么一直自我欺骗，我发现背书的任务推动地特别慢，这让我很着急。但是我又马上哄着自己，鼓励自己前进。因为只要我在前进，而别人崩溃停滞，那么就会有人被淘汰。 5. 总的来说最近几天的状态还是不错的，逼着自己进步，看到自己进步，努力维持一种规律的节奏，我继续把晨练放在早上，把记忆性的任务先做一部分，而不是先挑简单的。我不再只是追求任务的完成数量，因为自己是无法骗自己的，自己知道今天努力到几分。

bgm：蓝剔未必是坏习惯 - Kiri T 好久没更新了又，消沉了一阵，欢迎评论交流！ 关键讨论点/金句: * Perfection is a trap. Completion, not perfection, is the only way forward. * We're all struggling. And time, eventually, answers everything. * On rejection: "It stung. It felt like a personal rejection." * The core realization: "All of this... is all microscopic in the grand story of my life." * This noise doesn't get a seat at the table. * We always, always have the power to start again. * Your road to self-redemption starts with the next step you take. 本集提到的内容: * 完美主义对生产力的危害 * 如何应对不公平对待 * 情绪化饮食与如何重建与食物的健康关系 * 在备考压力中如何重新找回专注与动力 * “自救”的核心：将挫折视为生命中的微小片段，并夺回对生活的掌控权 02:45 You're listening to “The Road to Self-Redemption for an English Major.” I'm Monica. And this… is a record of how I find my way back. You might have noticed it's been a minute. Truth is, I went radio silent because I lost the will to share. I was in a hole—the kind where you can't even look yourself in the mirror, let alone hit the record button and pretend you have it all figured out. Confidence? Gone. Motivation? Nowhere to be found. 03:54 The evidence was everywhere. My roommate called me a "hard-boiled egg"—a hilarious but painfully accurate description of my sun-tanned, I've-given-up-on-sunscreen life. My desk was a war zone, my plants were dead, and my life was a cycle of mindless snacking and revenge bedtime procrastination. I was a world away from the driven, optimistic person I was at the start of summer, ready to conquer the grad school entrance exams. 06:54 My self-redemption started with a few brutal realizations. 07:04 First, perfection is a trap. I had to murder my beautiful, detailed, and utterly paralyzing to-do list. When I finally focused on just one single task—not the whole mountain—I accidentally studied for three solid hours. It wasn't pretty, but it was done. Completion, not perfection, is the only way forward. Then, life tested me. I found out my teacher gave out bonuses and skipped me entirely. It stung. It felt like a personal rejection. And my relationship with food? It spiraled. Just today, I stress-ate a giant bowl of Malatang. It felt like a total loss of control. But this is where the "self-redemption" part kicks in. 09:24 Here's the mindset shift that changes everything: 09:34 All of this—the burnout, the rejection, the bad meals, the hard-boiled egg —it's all microscopic in the grand story of my life. In the second half of my 22nd year, on this road to redemption, this noise doesn't get a seat at the table. 10:22 And the most powerful part? We always, always have the power to start again. Yeah, I ate that Malatang today. But the me now is not the me from last year. I've learned about nutrition. I understand my body. I know how to regain control. Over my diet, over my studies, over my life. So if you're listening this, feeling stuck in your own version of this struggle… I need you to hear this: You have the ability to change your story. Whatever bottleneck you're in, tell yourself: this is just a chapter. It is not the whole book. 12:04 Your road to self-redemption starts with the next step you take.

bgm：再见再见 If you had jumped up earlier, you wouldn't have just been passively staring at the ceiling. 01:21 Start 02:20 很早以前我看过一档节目叫做《令人心动的offer》(Irresistible Offer)，里面的一位选手李浩源在面试的时候说，“我觉得天赋是基础，天花板一样的东西，但是你没有努力，一辈子也够不到天花板” A long time ago, I watched a show called Irresistible offer, in which one of the contestants, Li Haoyuan, said during an interview, "I think talent is the foundation, something like a ceiling, but if you don't work hard, you'll never reach the ceiling in your lifetime. 04:19 STORY ONE: 事情没有我想象的那么遭。Things are not as bad as I thought. 我的选题topic selection被老师表扬了。这完全是意外之喜。她说我的选题很新颖，她很期待我最后的产出。听到她的表扬的时候我暗自窃喜，昨天接到组会通知之后我的心脏一直怦怦跳，我发现一旦我收到任务我就会惴惴不安。 06:14 我对自己的选题没自信，受到表扬的第一反应居然是否定。My first reaction when I receive praise is to deny it. 我们太喜欢说“哪里哪里”了，我应该从容接过赞美的，我的自信都去哪里了？I should have taken the praise calmly. Where did all my confidence go? 07:14 预设困难只会让我陷入无意义的焦虑之中。 Assuming difficulties only traps me in pointless anxiety. 07:40 人真的是唯一一个可以不只活在当下的生物，但这不一定是优点。 Human beings are truly the only creatures that can not just live in the present, but this is not necessarily an advantage. 我们总纠结在改变不了的昨天和无法阻止的明天，而忘记了唯一能改变和把握的今天。 We are always entangled in the unchangeable yesterday and the unstoppable tomorrow, while forgetting the only today that can be changed and grasped. 08:43 STORY TWO: 从图书馆出来后，我偶遇了之前的一个朋友。After leaving the library, I happened to run into an old friend of mine. 她和我之前印象里的样子很不一样。曾经我也被她自信的气场给震慑，I was once shocked by her confident aura 09:55 那些我羡慕的自然的、大方的磁场今天全都没了。 All those natural and generous magnetic fields that I envied have vanished today. 10:48 提前的安定的offer除了让你可以没有压力地提前摆烂以外，送不了你去真正想去的地方。An early and stable offer, apart from allowing you to give up in advance without any pressure, won't send you to the place you truly want to go. 你的焦虑不会消失，它们只是被你短暂地隐藏了起来，被你自欺欺人地掩盖然后每天晚上你意识到，你只是拖延了你的焦虑。 11:37 Your anxiety won't disappear. It's just that you temporarily hide it, deceive yourself into covering it up, and then every night you realize that you've merely been delaying your anxiety. 你的郁郁不得志，你的自视清高永远不会释怀。 Your depression is unfulfilled, your self-regard will never let go. 你只能躺着、凝望着过去放弃的那次起跳的机会，那次你明明可以试试自己能跳多高，可你再也回不去了。You can only lie down and gaze at that chance to jump that you gave up in the past. Back then, you could have tried how high you could jump, but you can never go back. 我懂这种感受，这种我不知道自己努力了能去哪可是我放弃努力让我一直耿耿于怀。你无法与自己和解。就像一根刺一样无法介怀。Like a thorn rooted in your heart. 保研的她好像反而“倒反天罡”开始羡慕我，并且我也不知道为什么，除了我以外所有同学都对我非常有自信。On the contrary, she started to envy me after being promoted to graduate school. I didn't know why, but all the other students except me were very confident in me. 虽然说对别人有自信是最不用负责人最轻而易举的事儿，但我也确实该给自己打气，要相信相信的力量。比起永远无法释怀那张我放弃的考卷，不如抓住每一个可以变现的今天，我要大踏步走到我的考场，我要证明这九十天的我值得拿到那张录取通知书。 16:59 刘思远说清华的人只会因为不努力而感到羞耻。我要去够一够天花板，保持远视继续向前。 Liu Siyuan said that people from Tsinghua University would only feel ashamed for not working hard.I'm going to reach the ceiling, keep my vision and move on.

bgm: 노을 - 10cm 00:33 中文唠嗑开场白 03:20 Start！ 04:55 只有想和好的人才会再坐在一张饭桌上沟通，我并没有想要arrange这场“和解”的意思 So the only reason that you you guys sit together and to meet the problem together and then solve it and be friends again it's all based on one thing that you want to be friends. But me I dont wanna go back again so.. 然而开学了燕归巢大学生返校，摩肩擦踵的盛况老熟人们想躲都来不及...It's already in September~~~~~~ 06:41 熟人...最容易视奸...主动或被动 How about we'are just you know it'LL become easier for you if we are just strangers not someone we know for each other 07:07 也不全是竞争，但是熟人就免不了会比较、好奇，但我对任何人不感兴趣、也不想任何人对我好奇 Ah it's not all about competition I think but there it is I think it does exist I have no interest in others'life even though I dislike to SPY on others's life others will also SPY on me 偷感十足地在校园里玩躲猫猫 like a game of hide and seek I dislike this attitude to be honest it's not my sense my vibe but. Okay I have to do this I find that because I just refuse any possibility to see that guy... 08:22 我就是不想尴尬 but I hate the situation and any atmosphere of embarrassment 08:41 小学的时候就简单的多，跟一个人绝交你只需要下战书然后冷战，长大了却窝窝囊囊地在学校当自闭的蘑菇... I think everything comes so public I mean I don't need to hide and it's meaningless for me to hide because we will see each other everyday in your primary school but now you know breaking off your one relationship now. I try to avoid everything and i try to stay myself faraway from some lines from conflict from even meeting. 09:23 但有时候“敬而远之”也许是一种大智慧？ 如果有按钮的话我想一键删除。可没有清空键。 成年人的世界里只有利益、妥协、熟视无睹和尴尬 But perhaps it's a wise it's a wise choice I think maybe it's kind of great wisdom perhaps keeping a respect for keeping a distance it's better for me now 11:09 我不想要知道正确答案，我想就让答案浸泡在一中模糊和暧昧里，我在这种模糊中麻痹自己、继续掩耳盗铃在我的跑道上行进着 just stay everything so ambiguous so I can give myself more room I can send some excuses for myself that maybe that it is not a guy and I can keep running I can do what I what I want to do next 12:47 真相本身反而会打破我好不容易建立起来的平静，我不要面面相觑的尴尬 That will bring a lot of trouble right so I don't want myself to find the exact answer I want myself just to treat everyone as stranger strangers 14:03 可后来我想我凭什么要放弃我的主体性？不相关的人就是不要分配任何你宝贵的时间和精力，最好的做法就是给Y忽略——I DONT CAR 我想去哪里去哪里。 我不在乎任何人。 我只想把一件事干好，别的真的都没那么重要。 I think the more important thing is I need to think about my attitude toward that thing toward that situation I need to build my confidence I need to you know not pretend but to be honest I need to build in the heart that. I don't care so I want myself to build that stronger attitudes you know why should I care about this and why should I give up my own subjectivity主体性.

前几天也想过要录，但是实在是太没有逻辑了。本来想在考研倒计时100天的纪念日里发出一集，但好久没说话了，嘴特笨，实在是受不了自己。今天晚上突然下大雨（直到现在还在暴雨），我撑着小伞从图书馆回到寝室，裤子和鞋子都湿了。洗漱完九点上床，墨迹一小时后大脑皮层也还是亢奋，这期播客就这么天时地利人和的诞生了。 没有bgm，只有一个考研人把最粗糙也最真实的想法说给你听，当然主要是说给她自己听。 录播客的初衷本身就是为了自己，大家听到是缘分，我能收到大家正向的反馈是福分。我珍惜所有的缘分，也感恩所有的福分，但同时也坚定不移地保持自己的初心。 本期主要围绕三个关键词：desire、habit、hardworking。 第一，我现在要做的就是引燃我内心深处的熊熊烈火，引起一场大火。drive（驱动力）和desire远比motivation（动力）更持久。 第二，比起肾上腺素以及励志故事的短期兴奋，我更需要建立一个稳固的习惯，好让我风雨无阻的执行，并且觉得很自然而不那么痛苦。 第三，我意识到我这么做除了功利层面的想获得好成绩、好结果以外，更是因为好奇和期待。我太想看到一个久违了的努力的自我了，太想看到一个不顾一切奔向终点、全力以赴的自我。没错，我就是想看看我能全力以赴到什么样子。 保研推免实习出国，大家都有各自的路。我选择了一条战线长且结果未知的道路。这是一条很多人不敢走到底甚至不敢选择的路。选择本身证明我有很多人没有的勇气。而接下来我即将证明的，是我的努力配得上我的勇气。